Who’s In Control?

It’s been awhile since I last posted. I apologize in advance for the long post but if you stick around till the end you will see that there is a point.

As I write this, I am finishing up quarantine for my second bout with Covid. After today, I can go out in to the world with a mask according to the CDC. Even so, most of my clients have decided that they would rather wait another week and in all actuality, I would probably make the same choice. As I considered myself to be very careful, I still caught it again. Even after receiving the booster in March. So I suppose we can’t be too careful.

Because of this stupid Covid diagnoses, not only have I had to close shop for a week plus but I also had to remove myself from an acting job. Acting jobs are not easy to come by and so this was a huge disappointment to me. Also, I was very concerned about messing up things for the production which would be terrible.

I will say one thing for getting Covid a second time, it has taught me a very valuable lesson. A lesson that apparently I must be taught over and over again.

For those of you who know me, you know that when I set my sights on something I work very hard at it and I do everything (everything legal) in my power to make it happen. I worked very hard to build Total Body Wellness and then after 17 years in the North Valley of ABQ and during a pandemic, I worked hard to remodel and move my business to my home. And I do work everyday to keep my clients and contractors happy and my business to thrive.

As I learned in my 20s and 30s, being an actor is very different from building a regular business, you can do all the things you need to do and still, an acting job is not promised. Coming back to this business, I am reminded of this but still, being who I am, I continue to think that if I just do everything right, take the right headshots, take the right classes, get the right agent, then everything will fall into place. I must admit, I have been very fortunate and have managed to get some good work. But again, being me, I want more.

This brings me back to the wonderful lesson that Covid has taught me. I AM NOT IN CONTROL. I think I have mentioned before that my beautiful mom used to say, “Let go and let God.” and then she would continue to worry herself sick. But she did try. And she was right.

I do believe that sometimes when we start to get ahead of ourselves and start to want something too much and start worrying ourselves sick, the universe/God steps in and says. Whoa there, hold on, whose in control here?

On Sunday, my husband took me for a ride to get me out of the house. (Just he and I in the car, no other human contact) and we saw some beautiful mountains and landscapes and I was hit with the realization that I am just so small in all of this. How can I possibly think that little old (emphasis on old) me is in control?

God has a plan for me and it might not be my plan. Wait, what? Not my plan? Wow! This is a hard lesson to learn but I have to have faith.

So I will once again, continue to do everything I can to work for a goal and along the way try and remember that I can only do so much and that will have to be enough because I AM NOT IN CONTROL.

And there is no doubt in my mind that the day will come that I need to be taught this lesson again. But I’ll keep trying. Just like my mom.